Owning It

God caused this, but I have to ask him to fix it? Hmm

Hopelessness is an interesting feeling.

This weekend, I had a discussion about faith with a group of people with all types of beliefs. I am amazed by what people of different faiths share. I LOVE to see God’s work in others’ lives, and it moves me tremendously to see Him bless any amount of faith. I guess part of the reason it moves me so much is because He does the same with me.

I often feel frustration with God. God, YOU allowed this to happen- now I have to ask for your help? YOU allowed me to have this disease, and to overcome it I must turn my life over to your care? It seems redundant.

Once, when expressing these feelings in tears to a mentor, he listened intently. When I paused, he looked me straight in the eyes, leaned forward, and said calmly, “Alison…why can’t you just admit that you just want to do what YOU want to do?”

I was almost startled. I thought, “I should be so offended! I am opening up and sharing with you, and you are mocking me!” Instead of saying anything, however, I paused…And then laughed out loud…

because it was SO true.

I felt hopeless because recovery seemed impossible. And, it is… without a higher power helping me.

Today, I must trust what I know in my head. God is indeed loving, and He has my best interests in mind. “Either God is everything, or He is nothing.” He is definitely not nothing. Living in self-will is super mega NOT fun. So, I ask for God’s protection and care, I ask for the power to carry out His will whatever that may be, and I pray that He simply help me do the next right thing. Today, I feel hopeful.

Not sure if that makes sense. Here is a picture of a cute bunny:

this bunny believes God is everything too
Follow me around:

3 Comments

  • Brandon Smoot

    That baby bunny is perched on a rabbit-fur throw. Gotta be traumatized.

  • alisonsnotebook

    Yes, it is. But it also has a terminal disease and its long term significant other recently broke up with it, so the rabbit throw thing isn’t the first thing on his mind at the moment.

  • Brandon Smoot

    Firstly, my email notices keep getting lost in the fray…I’m finding several responses here I didn’t know you made, thus my delay.

    Second, …that little bunny wasted no time developing a complicated social life. Glad I waited until I was 6 before any long-term significant others messed with my already terminal-illness garbled existential dilemmas.

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