Whatever is true… (This post is not about my boyfriend…)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Phil 4:8)
The content of this post is specific and personal. I am usually more vague when I blog, but you don't mind, do you? 🙂
One night a few years ago, I felt intense anxiety about a situation. During that week, a friend and I had committed to meditate on the verse above, particularly the first phrase “whatever is true”. During those moments of anxiety, I am so grateful those words came to mind. When I started to logically think about the truth, I felt calm.
In those moments, I felt intense fear. I experienced those same feelings this week.
How many times will I have to learn the same lesson? 🙂 But anyway…
In the past, I have been hurt. My dad left my mom when I was 14. This was confusing to me because my parents never fought. About a month after he left, my boyfriend at the time, my first “real” boyfriend, kissed another girl. The next two boyfriends just stopped talking to me while we were dating. They stopped calling, and when I finally reached out, they didn't return calls either.They just got farther and farther away until I was in enough pain to break up with them. It was excruciating, and I felt repeatedly abandoned. I didn't know it then, but I was recreating the situation with my dad. It has been difficult to learn that things don't have to be that way. Not all men leave, not all men lie. The other truth is: even if a man does leave me, I will not leave myself.
When I realize the context for my feelings, it helps, but it doesn't make them go away.
I must focus on whatever is True. This is why affirmations are so important. They remind me of simple truths, and when I repeat them they eventually seem more natural to believe. Affirmations have contributed tremendously to my increased self esteem and positive view of life and the world. Affirmations and prayer will help with these particular feelings as well.
This week, I started feeling anxiety about my current relationship. Why? I actually don't know. I am not sure what the trigger was, and I don't have to figure it out. All I have to do is keep moving forward, do the next right thing, and focus on the present. And on the Truth.
So, I want to tell you about the relationship and about the character of this man.
He is thoughtful. I don't just mean that he is considerate and thinks about my needs and the needs of others. I also mean that he takes time to make decisions. He is intentional, wise and patient. He cares. I don't just mean that in a surface-y-I-think-you're-special kind of way. I recognize his care for me because while we were just friends, I saw him care for others. He is interested in seeing me grow, in my happiness, in my health. The euphoric feelings of being in love will fade, and so I feel comforted that this man is someone who can be committed to love. He is patient. He is understanding. He trusts me. He smells good. He is loyal. He loves to organize and plan and travel. He is a gentleman. He loves spending time with me. I love spending time with him. He is insightful, thoughtful, clever.
We love art and music. We love to create. We have interesting conversations. We understand each other. We help people. We love to sit together and drink coffee, watch nerdy shows, play on the internet. We can talk about hard things. We are very non-judgmental. We like being on time. We live health conscious lives. We desire praise and affirmation, and we enjoy giving to each other.
We have a love for cycling that I cannot explain without making this post super mega long.
We are both quiet observers of the world.
These things are true. But as I said in the title: this post isn't about my boyfriend. It is about focusing on the Truth. My feelings are not fact.
Sometimes, I hate how I feel. I want nothing more than to change my feelings. Sometimes I know why they appear, and that still does not calm them. Drinking use to help, but it stopped working. I ran out of vices, so I just have to deal with the feelings.
I want this relationship to last, and have hope that it will. But if it doesn't? What a fabulous phase of my life this has been.
Writing this post, and writing about the Truth is how I deal with the feelings. The next time I feel insecure or crazy, I will probably just refer myself to my blog.
I would love your comments and feedback on how you deal with difficult feelings. Thanks for being my teachers. I love you all 🙂
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I smiled (with only gentleness in my heart, I assure you) as I read your blog, Alison. Those could have been my words at your age. Oh, heck! They could have been my words at 35 probably, and I’ve been what most folks would consider “on track” spiritually since I was about 19, and (thanks to Charlie’s first tour in Vietnam) I married at the obscenely young age of just shy of 21.
Outwardly, I’ve been very good at presenting the face of happy-got-it-together-lean-on-me-good-in-a-crisis gal. To some extent, I’ve probably pulled it off pretty well — with the Lord’s help — but at a terrible personal price. No one person can or should need to be all those things. I accepted too much for myself much too soon, much too fast.
Like you, I can probably go back and give you a whole host of reasons — my emotionally ill younger sister for whom I’d been expected to act as shield all my life till I married and “abandoned” her to my elderly parents; the fact my parents were elderly; the fact I probably married before I was full-on ready because Charlie was older and didn’t want to leave for Nam until we hadi the fact I always did “the right thing,” because I was the good girl and that’s what I did.
Sorry, had to interrupt my epistle. Probably wise. Now, i’ll be briefer. 😉 At any rate, my point is this.
I’m certainly more outgoing than you, but, inside, I have a hunch we’re almost as identical as you and Mel. I spent way too much of my life chewing on my own raw nerves. Then, I finally had an epiphany, being a Christian, being a good wife, being a good mom, being a good daughter, being a good teacher, being a good human being wasn’t nearly half as hard as I was making it. That was the day I buried my Dad — my hero.
Daddy was a sweet, quiet, generous, hbard-working
Oops. Didn’t mean to hit post. This time I’ll finish.
When we had Daddy’s funeral, practically the entire population of my litte hometown turned out. People were standing in Sunday School rooms and the hall of their little church just to be there. Grown men wept like babies. My Daddy had attended church faithfullyever since he accepted Christ 6 weeks after I was born. He never spoke in front of a crowd or taught a crowd, but he worked tirelessly at any and everything he was asked to do there 6 days before he died. He hand chopped 12 heads of cabbage to make slaw for a bean supper which he stood in line to serve that night. Was my Daddy perfect? Well, I thought so, but I expect he may have had some flaws. The thing is though that he’d accomplished nothing the world would consider remarkable, but, if each of the lives represented at that servicethat day touched on.ly have qas many so profoundly and so positi vely as he had touched theirs,
If each of the lives at the service that day touched only half as many others as profoundly as Daddy had touched theirs, what a ripple effect his life would have had. My grief became my epiphany: Matthew:6:33,34. I won’t fib and say I shed all self doubt and self recrimination that day. Nah. Didn’t happen. However, the miracle is mine, nonetheless, because they no longer overwhelm me and overtake my life the way they once did. I feel armed to battle them. “Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!” Best of all, I don’t have to understand; He does. I don’t have t fix it; He will. Phillipians 4:6-7
So well written…you are so eloquent in your writing! Love you, Baby Girl!!
Thank you!
Thank you for your thoughtful comments! I love hearing others’ feedback and experiences. Also, it is great to reconnect with you after several years.