Big Scary Monster! Blarg.


It amazes me how quickly I can become sick. My “ailment” is progressive, so, if not dealt with, it gets worse. Because of the recovery I DO have, I  have a lower tolerance for pain than before. So, here’s the deal:

What happened? When I try to process my feelings, the first thing I do is look at the data. What actually happened? I am not going to share this on my public blog, thank you very much 🙂

What are the feelings? I feel sad- I want to cry. I feel anxious- I want to run away and join to circus. I feel angry- I want to punch a wall, but I can’t because I am a gigantic wussie.

What are the stories I make up? * I fear the feelings will never go away, so I start feeling crazy. I push people away, even though I intensely need them when these feelings come up. * I ruin friendships and relationships. I am just waiting for them to end. * If I make someone angry or frustrated, or if I hurt their feelings, they will leave. * Actually, it doesn’t matter what I do, they will probably leave anyway. Why let them IN in the first place? *

What can fix it? What do I need? I’m not sure what the problem is. It could possibly just be my uterus. But, there are a few words of wisdom that gave me tremendous peace of mind this morning. The main thing involves the fact that recovery and healing is a process. It is messy, especially when it involves other people. I need to be super gentle on myself. But, being gentle on myself doesn’t make the obsessing stop. What gave me relief from the obsession was the reminder that I can be in gratitude instead. I can fill my mind with other things.

My "ailment"

Today, as I am walking through this confusing pain, there are two things I can do that I KNOW will work: 1) Stay in gratitude. What am I grateful for? God loves me. If He is for me, who can be against me? Go doesn’t make sh*t. It ALWAYS gets better, so I can trust the process. And 2) I can focus on answering the question, “How can I be useful today?”

More will be revealed. I don’t have to figure anything out today. I can sit in the feelings, asking for God’s comfort. All I have to worry about today is thanking God for everything, and asking Him to allow me to be a light to people.

For more about the processing I did above, check this out.

Click here to see more about the painting above. Or here for even more.



Follow me around:


Comments or questions?