Since gaining back more than half of my weight loss, I’ve been feeling a lot of shame about my body. I always liked it before, even at my heavier weight; but I gained a certain mindset while losing weight, and it damaged my self-love and acceptance.
Last Sunday, I felt really sad about my body image. I’ve been obsessing over my body and clothes lately. I know I am doing it and I hate it. Last Sunday, I finally broke down in tears and talked to someone.
My biggest complaint is my legs. I remember being in the first grade and comparing myself to the other girls. First Grade. That seems young to be having body image problems, doesn’t it? I remember thinking that my legs seemed big compared to the other girls. When I look back at photos of myself from that age, I notice that my legs were not thin, but they didn’t look big or fat (and the rest of me was thin/normal). I finally got to a point in the last couple years when I knew my legs were not thin, but they certainly weren’t fat either. Losing weight kind of messed with my head.
On Sunday when I opened up to my partner, he said, “You’re right, your legs are big.” Something about that comment felt good. It comforted me…It wasn’t a half-hearted comment to shut me up. It was honest. He was really listening. He didn’t say, “No honey, you look fine. Stop worrying about it”. Instead he said, “Yeah, your legs are big…But I love your body! And I think you look good in your [cycling] kit.”
To which I replied in tears, “So…even though my legs are big, I am still really pretty”. It wasn’t a question. It was an affirmation.
The thing is, my legs aren’t big because I have unhealthy eating habits. Yes, I am capable of being thinner…but that means a lifestyle of an extreme diet, and I am not willing to do that. I eat in a way that is good for the planet and good for my body.
So, I accept that my legs are definitely big. I accept that cycling shorts that fit my waist and ass are going to be tight as hell on my thighs. I accept that I could be smaller, but I choose not to be.
I am not one of those people that thinks that every shape and size is beautiful. I believe in loving myself and teaching others to love themselves through good nutrition and self-care. However, I eat in a way that is good for my body and good for the planet. My big legs are not a result of poor nutrition or bad choices.
As usual, this post is mostly for me. If you can get something out of it…great! And as usual, I always love hearing your experiences. I read and consider every comment and post, and I feel valued and honored that you would read this.
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