Have you ever had the feeling that you were simply an observer of your own life? Lately, I have had this feeling that I am watching myself and my life. I think, “wow” and “how interesting”, and then I kind of just wonder what will happen next.
I mean this in a positive way. I have done so much work, and I think the effects of that are catching up with me. Here are some examples.
In the past when I lost weight, I sought attention and affirmation from men. Always. It felt pointless to lose weight and not receive that validation. This time was completely different. Now, I have lost almost 20lbs in four months and didn’t have the desire to date. That is really new for me. My reasons for becoming healthier were different than they’ve ever been, and it felt good.
I have practiced having intimacy in friendships without romance, and it has led to being fulfilled with or without a romantic relationship. (However, going on a date sure is nice!)
Today I am able to say “no” to things. Sometimes, I am not available to do huge favors or hear certain stories and that is ok. Sometimes I want to be alone, and I accept that part of myself. Sometimes I need to be supported and can’t support someone, and that is ok too.
I don’t need all my friends’ approval when I make a decision. When I decide to do something or set a goal, I am confident I will attain it (rather than constantly quitting things). I believe I am worthy of being loved and being treated a certain way. I believe I am worthy of good things. When someone asks me out, I can politely say no without feeling like a jerk. When I say yes to being asked out, I can ask for what I need. I don’t have to respond to questions right away- I can think about it. I am honest with my mentor about everything, I don’t leave out big important details to make situations sound better.
God works in my life despite my resistance to change and for that, I am truly grateful.
I don’t think about things so much today. I take the next step prayerfully. That’s all I do: take the next step. Maybe that’s another reason I feel like I am watching my life. I am not quite sure what is happening or what will happen next 🙂 I just know that I feel happy.