You know that one time when you ate an entire box of cookies by yourself, and couldn’t even look at cookies for a while? That’s how I explain my cynicism. I trust that God is sovereign and that He is guiding my relationship with Him, even if it looks a bit different for now.
When I was really involved in church, I would get on these kicks. I read the Bible and prayed for a huge list of people every single day. It felt monotonous and pointless, but I kept hoping it would make a difference. I taught Bible studies, worked at a church and then a Christian college; I volunteered my time on church committees and service teams.
Then…I started to feel restless. This led to increased drinking problems, drama and questionable relationships. Eventually I dug myself in a hole painful enough to cry out for help. People picked me up, and I felt a renewed energy to do what I was doing before; but I also felt more pressure each time I went through this cycle. When I stopped drinking and started getting honest with myself, I finally began gaining freedom from this cycle of high highs followed by low lows.
Now, when I feel that discontent feeling, I remind myself that I don’t have to do things perfectly…or excessively. When I experienced that cycle of discontent a few years ago, I put so much pressure on myself to STAY ON THE BEAM that I always got to a place where I just knew I couldn’t do it anymore.
So, instead of eating the whole box of cookies, I thoughtfully do things in moderation. When I get to a place where I feel restless or overcommitted, I step back right away. I am very gentle with myself.