Whatever is true… (This post is not about my boyfriend…)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Phil 4:8)
The content of this post is specific and personal. I am usually more vague when I blog, but you don’t mind, do you? 🙂
One night a few years ago, I felt intense anxiety about a situation. During that week, a friend and I had committed to meditate on the verse above, particularly the first phrase “whatever is true”. During those moments of anxiety, I am so grateful those words came to mind. When I started to logically think about the truth, I felt calm.
In those moments, I felt intense fear. I experienced those same feelings this week.
How many times will I have to learn the same lesson? 🙂 But anyway…
In the past, I have been hurt. My dad left my mom when I was 14. This was confusing to me because my parents never fought. About a month after he left, my boyfriend at the time, my first “real” boyfriend, kissed another girl. The next two boyfriends just stopped talking to me while we were dating. They stopped calling, and when I finally reached out, they didn’t return calls either.They just got farther and farther away until I was in enough pain to break up with them. It was excruciating, and I felt repeatedly abandoned. I didn’t know it then, but I was recreating the situation with my dad. It has been difficult to learn that things don’t have to be that way. Not all men leave, not all men lie. The other truth is: even if a man does leave me, I will not leave myself.
When I realize the context for my feelings, it helps, but it doesn’t make them go away.
I must focus on whatever is True. This is why affirmations are so important. They remind me of simple truths, and when I repeat them they eventually seem more natural to believe. Affirmations have contributed tremendously to my increased self esteem and positive view of life and the world. Affirmations and prayer will help with these particular feelings as well.
This week, I started feeling anxiety about my current relationship. Why? I actually don’t know. I am not sure what the trigger was, and I don’t have to figure it out. All I have to do is keep moving forward, do the next right thing, and focus on the present. And on the Truth.
So, I want to tell you about the relationship and about the character of this man.
He is thoughtful. I don’t just mean that he is considerate and thinks about my needs and the needs of others. I also mean that he takes time to make decisions. He is intentional, wise and patient. He cares. I don’t just mean that in a surface-y-I-think-you’re-special kind of way. I recognize his care for me because while we were just friends, I saw him care for others. He is interested in seeing me grow, in my happiness, in my health. The euphoric feelings of being in love will fade, and so I feel comforted that this man is someone who can be committed to love. He is patient. He is understanding. He trusts me. He smells good. He is loyal. He loves to organize and plan and travel. He is a gentleman. He loves spending time with me. I love spending time with him. He is insightful, thoughtful, clever.
We love art and music. We love to create. We have interesting conversations. We understand each other. We help people. We love to sit together and drink coffee, watch nerdy shows, play on the internet. We can talk about hard things. We are very non-judgmental. We like being on time. We live health conscious lives. We desire praise and affirmation, and we enjoy giving to each other.
We have a love for cycling that I cannot explain without making this post super mega long.
We are both quiet observers of the world.
These things are true. But as I said in the title: this post isn’t about my boyfriend. It is about focusing on the Truth. My feelings are not fact.
Sometimes, I hate how I feel. I want nothing more than to change my feelings. Sometimes I know why they appear, and that still does not calm them. Drinking use to help, but it stopped working. I ran out of vices, so I just have to deal with the feelings.
I want this relationship to last, and have hope that it will. But if it doesn’t? What a fabulous phase of my life this has been.
Writing this post, and writing about the Truth is how I deal with the feelings. The next time I feel insecure or crazy, I will probably just refer myself to my blog.
I would love your comments and feedback on how you deal with difficult feelings. Thanks for being my teachers. I love you all 🙂